Your Ghost, or: re: infatuation w/ misimagined idea of a person
I could not bring you with me
so i brought your ghost instead
and kept her in a comfy little home
within my headbut every time
i reached for you
my hand fell through
so that i knew
i didn’t
have
youso i
clung to your shadow
your vapor trail
until i lost that too
and realized
i had fallen in love
with nothing at all
“A LETTER TO MY DOG EXPLORING THE HUMAN CONDITION”
last year I made a club and called it “lets stop caring”
and I know exactly when it started
it started on the day that I made a small mistake
that ended in a messy street
there were papers everywhere
and he threatened to hit me
without any words
and then I got back and I hid
and I dont know how I did this
but I managed to tell a secret about myself
it needed to be said
and I got told that I dont exist
that I was wrong
and nobody cared
because they were too busy fighting
to ask about my day
and I couldnt have told them anyway
they would have said that it was wrong
this could not be me
it could not be true
that was over a year ago
and it got bigger“lets stop caring”
is a battle cry
its the thing you say when you spent a year without any friends
and you have to swallow something round and pink
every
single
day
so that you can survive and be a
“functioning member of society”
because remember
you are worthless otherwise“lets stop caring”
is a thing you say when
you have to keep your grades up
so that you can be whatever they want and be a
“productive member of society”
because remember
your whole life revolves around the letter a“lets stop caring”
is what you do when
it hurts too badly to move
and she tells you
get up
get over it
so you can be a
“strong member of society”
because remember
you are nothing otherwise“lets stop caring”
is what happens when
you tease your brother and get told
“I cant wait until he hurts you”
“I cant wait until he beats you up”
because
being broken on the floor
would make your father happy“lets stop caring”
is what you become when
your brother cries every day and
the other kids call him a freak
and they hit him
hard
and you arent even angrybecause you stopped caring
you became an empty husk
who cant look at a razor blade
because it reminds you of what you didbecause you stopped caring
you started hating yourself
and thought that what they said was true
“you cause all the problems”because you stopped caring
you heard about your brothers teacher
and that she doesnt care
and you werent upsetbecause you stopped caring
you became an insult
nasty, angry, and cold
and over a year lateryou broke one too many times
but it made you see that
“lets stop caring”
is
wrong
you made a mistake
that can never be undone
the theory that people
are always searching for
their other half is
bullshit.
don’t let anyone, not
even a god, tell you
you are anything less
than whole.
you melt me alive.
